shoulda known better but i cant go back....

i had a new job at a pharmacy things seemed to be looking up, i was still a mess but now i could go for almost 2 hours without thinking of that night, it was a big deal for me, i was stil going out way to much, i had also been diagnosed not long before the rape with type 1 diabetes i was not looking after my health, because even though i had taught myself how to smile on the outside i knew that i didn't wanna face this for another 60 or so years, i was dealing but i was planning on ending it, it disgusts me to think i was going to do that, everyone tells me how selfish it is but they don't understand how it feels to not be able to go in any direction without a vivid memory, i had tried to overdose on insulin a few times and other times i just didn't take my insulin at all .. who knew that i could ever get to the point of ending my own life, i had these amazing friends but it didn't change the past, then i met a boy, i cannot talk a lot on this subject because of the court cases that i went through it would be wrong to talk about it in detail. but he was abusive towards me and i ignored it because i didn't no any better? i had been treated like scum that night and i think i had decided in my head this was the best i was going to get. my counselor says that 90 percent of rape victims end up in abusive relationships, what else could go wrong, this had tipped me over the edge my friends heard that he was hurting me and Steve and Cameron ran to his house to have words with him when he stabbed Steve in the chest 3mm from the heart, he was arrested that night but got away with a lousy 20 grand payment to Steve for damages, what a messed up justice system huh? this is when it all went down for me, i was constantly trying to hang myself i was overdosing and being taken to hospital almost weekly, one day i received a call from my abusive ex saying that i was worthless and scum and it was my fault Steve was stabbed, now for anyone who has been as broken as i was you will believe anything anyone says, i was home alone i fell to the ground in tears and tore my arms up with a kitchen knife, Ethan had been messaging me and as i wasnt replying he freaked out and ran to my house finally got in through the back door and seen what i had done and took me to the hospital, i was taken to the mental ward.

what was going to happen now, why did he have to find me ....