the mental ward.

wow i thought i was better but the minute my family and friends said there byes as i went inside i turned into this person i didnt no and when i look back now i don't understand that person at all. they took me into a room and weighed me and put all my insulin in the fridge locked away checked all my bags took everything sharp or dangerous off me the nurse i remember said
" what are you doing to yourself" rolled her eyes and walked me to my room, i was in the far end room down the end of a long hallway, the first thing i noticed was the think positive notes posted to almost everything, i laid in my bed and cried myself to sleep the next few weeks were all the same thing i slept and cried and wrote in my diary and that was about it, i wasn't eating, my friends were eating my food and bringing me a pie because i remember it was easier to bring up a pie then the food they fed me, i was a complete mess i had never seen myself so down before, i looked in the mirror each day for the first week and i hated myself, how could the actions of someone else cause me so much self hate for myself, all of a sudden this problem wasn't just that i had been raped it was now personal, i thought i was fat so i didn't eat i didn't wanna talk because i thought everyone had it out for me. i had a lot of self mutilations in the period i was in the institution, i had repeatedly burnt the tops of my legs with my hair straightener, i tried to cut fat off with the blade of my pencil sharpener and i had cut my wrists with my diary paper. i am not writing this to give anyone ideas or for anyone to think this is acceptable because it is not, but the pain i went through led me down this dark path, we often went on walks to the water tower with the counselors it was meant to help us open up, i felt nothing. eventually i sat down and spoke with someone about it all our session went for hours and i cried and cried and cried. it was like a tsunami of memories for me and it hurt more then ever to have them washed back into my brain all at once. that afternoon i was released and sent home. i felt betrayed all over again. i felt that they gained my trust i spilt my heart out and instead of receiving help i was sent back into the place where there was no limits to what i could do to myself, at this point i truely was scared of what i was capable of. but when i seen my friends and family something inside me changed, i knew something had to be done, it wasnt as easy as just seeing there broken hearts and my pain and past go away, i sat down with my mother and we spoke about me moving away for awhile. we finally decided her sister, my aunty kathy in perth western australia seemed like a good idea. the plan was put into place almost immediate i had a week before i was to leave.

this would only be temporary a month or two to open my eyes to another world...